What's Real... I'm Real.

Let's get real here... together... as I sit down with my bowl of vanilla ice cream (really the only kind I buy because you can add in what you want on top... kind of like my all black wardrobe) and some chocolate syrup (who knows where that came from, but I am so grateful for it tonight). It's a mini ramekin that holds my emotions in check tonight... maybe I'm trying to convince myself that eating a "whole" bowl of ice cream will be enough... but I'll probably find myself with my head in the fridge and spoon in the carton after this small bowl is all gone.

Today started out with just a bit more exhaustion than normal. That happens when my hormones are taking some swings at home plate... I don't sleep well when they are pulsing through my veins at fluxuating levels. But I was able to drag myself out of bed on my own at 6am with hopes that I could exercise my body before I needed to take care of three other little bodies for the day. Dan had left at 4:30am for swimming and with a fuzzy "goodbye" I was alone to manage the affairs of our little circus.

I had a decent full body workout. I sweat really good and felt pretty good. I had a handle on the day. Abi opted to not go to her last day of school today, which I was perfectly fine with, and she got the other two girls breakfast while I finished up my workout with my goals met there. It was wonderful and helped the vibes in the home shoot into positive mode.

I quickly got ready... missing a long enough time window to wash my hair, but hey, at least I showered after my workout today. That was only the second out of five days this week I got to do that - read... really busy week. And I'm not one of those women who look fabulous after working out. I look worked out and am ashamed that I've had to go out in public just nasty like that. I'm sure that's what all those looks were for.

Anyway, the girls got their family contributions done fairy quickly this morning and without too much pushing from me - something I've been dreading about this summer - all that pushing to get things done. But because of that, after I met with a client and her mom for wedding flowers, we were able to go on an adventure. I was super excited and tried to show the girls that it makes me, mom, so happy when we get to do fun things because we all put in a good effort in the morning.

The girls make me laugh - Eliza thinks she can jump off anything and added "Bubbles," "Doggie," and "down" to her vocabulary just today. She still needs to learn "help" instead of screaming. Brookie heard me wrong today when I told her to "smile at everyone we see" and she asked, "Who is ABC?" Abi mentioned today randomly, "I smelled my feet and they stink. I put my nose up to them and smelled them. They smelled like "playground." (Whatever that smells like). She then had her face out the window of the car with just a "pure joy" look in her smile and yelled, "This is so much fun!" on our way home. One perfect adventure in the books for mom. We survived.

But then things got real again - we got home at 6pm - tired and hangry. We threw the frozen pizzas in the oven. Last week I made the statement that I will not cook on Friday again. Sadly, there was no left overs in the fridge to fuel this new belief of mine. So pizza it was. As we were eating, my spirits just started to sink. Getting the girls to bed was a disaster. The girls have like some sort of voice filter in their minds that they tend to turn on when they are tired... it's called, "I don't hear any voice like my mom's." They turned that ignore switch on full force. My hubby came home from work later than normal and messed all the routine up... which I wasn't patient about. (I could really work on that). He also has one of those ignore switches too. By the end of the night, I heard, "This is the worst day ever!" "You are being a bad mom," and "Well I thought I was happy to come home."

So now two long, arduous hours later, everyone's asleep but me. Yes, you read that right. Everyone. Shouldn't that make me happy after such a stressful time? I should be tickled pink to finally have some me time. But I am SO wiped out - emotionally and mentally. Also, I understand that when mom is impatient, no one wants to be around her (I kind of deserve the loneliness) But it feels worse because I was left alone in my most low moments of bad parenting and wifing. Like if I mess up, I will be alone and I must mess up a lot because I'm alone a lot. Abi questioned tonight, "Why does life have to be so hard?" I answered that Life is super hard! But just because it's hard doesn't mean it can't be happy or have good moments in the midst of those bad ones.

I had great moments today as you read above. But I also want to point out that the low ones happen. We so easily tend to forget that what we see outside of ourselves is usually others' high moments or created, faux highs. Perfect photos, amazing adventures, blessings received, romantic dates, girlfriends across the globe, good deeds done, booming business success... all while having time to exercise, take care of kids, eat healthy, dive into scriptures, and have the money for all that. PLUS, on a personal end of things and just talking to women here, having an "instagram" husband to capture all those moments and support you in your career since he only works 20-30 hours a week getting pain twice as much as mine does. By the way Dan couldn't be anything further from an instagram husband... and he usually pulls 60-70 hour weeks.

So... what's real? I'm real. I yelled at my kids and husband. Threw a little tantrum in the kitchen while doing dishes. I haven't washed my hair in 6 days. I am tired. I am alone on a Friday night trying to gain some control over my raging hormones and feelings of loneliness. I don't get to go on a vacation this weekend because my husband works and works hard. I have wants too... I want so bad to be faithful and constant in my journey back to Heavenly Father. I want to be a good mom. I want to beat the odds.

My ice cream is gone and now I have a headache that I knew I'd get but turned my "ignore" switch to high as well (ugh, when will I ever learn). This ramekin is empty, and it's time for bed. I probably won't sleep well (thanks one last time hormones and terrible eating). I also will probably fall on my knees and tell Heavenly Father that I don't know what happened to my good day and add a pathetic plea for forgiveness for my mess ups, but know in the back of my mind that tomorrow I will probably do the same things wrong.

And tomorrow? Well, I will find myself dragging a bit slower out of bed to lace up my running shoes and hit the treadmill for a long, slow (thanks sugar) run. Hoping that I have a handle on the day, burn off all the sweets from the week, and hoping that I can try to be a bit better than I was today... and finally get that much needed hair wash. That's real.