Our March started out like most others - tampons all over the house. Doesn't yours start like that too?
Abi's tooth-full smile-
The photo above was a photo to a response of my dad texting me while I was working out. This photo is a representation of the life I thought I was leading and little did I know what was going to happen about 6 hours later. It kind of saddens me to know that I was SO ignorant and unprepared for the news that was coming.
That night, my parents called a family meeting in which my mom told all her kids that she had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It was one of the hardest things I have had to sit through ever. My mind shut off and my floodgates opened. I was SO unprepared for the news and completely hit by a bus of emotions that came. I didn't handle the news well and it really upset me.
I cried from 9pm to 3am - then had to get up at 5am to get Abi to a Dr. appointment. That day, we just happened to wear pink and it was very fitting. It was a long day.
Our friends had offered to watch our two youngest girls so Dan and I could go to the temple. This was all before the news of my mom. It was a much needed trip but the hardest one I have ever done. The session seemed to drone on and I had so much anxiety about just getting done.
The next couple of days, I couldn't be inside. It suffocated me. So we worked some more on our yard.
But the rain came and mirrored my mood and emotions. It turned a cold month... and it was really hard.
My girls truly kept me going. I would constantly send photos to my parents to help their moods lighten as well.
Throughout all this, we waited on test results, prayed and fasted, waited on more results, did our own research and tried to hold it together as a family.
And ate some good "Nem Nems" to get us through
Lots of afternoons, I would find myself in my kitchen trying to push forward and just didn't seem to be able to do it. It has been crazy how my world (not even talking about my mom's which a whole other story) started spinning. I became fogged up - couldn't focus or make decisions. Couldn't complete projects or make many-step dinners.
But as the month went on, I found more clarity. And as we got more answers and got a plan, I found clarity in my vision again.
Two days after my mom told us about her cancer, I realized I had a decision to make. I needed to be able to take care of myself and my family in order to be about to help my parents stay strong. So I made a point to exercise and eat as well as I could. This was one of those mornings where I needed to get up and work out before I knew what hit me. I tell you what, exercise was a savior for the month. It helped me release a lot of the emotions that you deal with in steps to healing - denial, sadness, anger, acceptance... etc. I knew that I wanted to do what my mom couldn't do and do it for her so a lot of my workouts on my hard days were done in her name.
It is amazing how our minds start to function differently in the face of crisis.
Abi came home so animated about her dream house picture she had drawn-
Don't you eat Kneaders this way too?
Abi made cookies all on her own and I just coached her. It was really fun and new for both of us!
Ellie has an obsession with shoes. Here she is going so far with that obsession to try on barbie shoes.
And Abi's grin became lots more empty.
My dad orders my whole family necklaces and hats that supported Breast Cancer. It was such a sweet gesture and my girls wear theirs so much.
I wore this on the day of my mom's 3rd surgery. THIRD!!! She is a champ. More tests, more waiting, more results, more planning. It has been such an interesting experience for me. I have learned SO much and continue to be educated each time I talk with my mom or look something up.
My girls stayed dry at night long enough to buy a fish with the jewels they earn for staying dry. The chose a female beta and named her Iguana...
I went out to dinner with my best friend. Do you know, up to this point, I had never been out to dinner with a friend like this? I love good friends. This month has shown me who my true friends are and who I can do without. The ones that don't care how you look or if you show up to everything or not. The ones that support you hiding away and trying to function. They understand your foggy thoughts and are just happy you texted or called them. This is one of those friends.
And finally... I put this on my treadmill at the beginning of the month. I read it out loud as I run. It is a beautiful mantra and one I want my girls to live up to as well.
We continue to evolve as life evolves. It is funny how you'll have thoughts like, "Oh, I am so grateful my family has never had something like that happen to us," or "I am so glad we are in a position to help others," and then next week, we aren't anymore. Kind of seems unfair but at the same time I realized that we have those thoughts to help us enjoy those fleeting moments of vistas and to prepare us for coming mountains to climb. It makes me look forward to a time I can say those things again.
Our lives are changed forever. It is becoming a beautiful thing to watch my mother be so brave and courageous. She is doing this so gracefully and allowing it to fully course through her. She is staying close to the Lord and has become a strength for me even through her trials. Even my dad, my sweet dad, is showing growth and vulnerability, and faith that I never thought I'd see from him. They are the perfect team. I hope to post some more about what I see through this adventure and what I have learned. But we'll see how often I can get to that with my responsibilities. Ha! :)